Getting Underneath the Clothes We Wear

Ladies let's open our closets! In this fun and funny episode we talk with Jacqui Getz, a New York based stylist who helps women in midlife translate who they are becoming into what they wear. Who do we get dressed for in the morning? Why do we buy the clothes we buy? And how can we add creativity and zing to our lives just by getting more intentional about what we choose to wear? We get into it all, and we go deep as Jacqui shares her personal journey of grieving the loss of her husband just weeks ago, and how she is finding strength in getting dressed, and defining who she wants to be in this new chapter of her life. Join us for an oh-so-relatable conversation about what we wear and what it says about how we feel about ourselves, who we are, and who we might want to become at this time in life. 

SHOW NOTES

Substack- https://substack.com/@jacquigetz
Instagram: instagram.com/@thedetailsofstyle.com
Website- detailsofstyle.com
https://www.ageist.com/profile/jacqui-getz-64-pro-age-style/

We also do a quick check-in with Suzanne Newman, Image Consultant, Chicago. Suzanne shares a few quick tips for reinventing your wardrobe and updating your look.

https://findfashionhappiness.com/about-suzanne-newman-image-consultant/

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art. Eleanor Roosevelt

Transcript

Constance Bauer 0:44

Welcome. We ain't dead yet. The show where wisdom has wrinkles and our friendship and laughter are real.

Lori Dube 0:52

It just keeps getting more interesting.

Constance Bauer 0:54

I'm Constance Bauer. And I'm Lori Dube. And we'll be your host for Real Talk about life, love, health, friendship, parenting, sex, and more for Women 60 and beyond.

Lori Dube 1:04

No filter, just facts, feelings, and fun. Because getting older doesn't mean fading out. It means showing up fully for all of it.

Constance Bauer 1:11

And we'll explore everything from hot flashes to hot dates together.

Lori Dube 1:19

Hi, WADY friends. I am so excited today. You know what? We have been talking about topics like sex, death, friendship, body image, journal writing. But I gotta be honest, today's conversation is probably gonna take me to some of my most stirred up and vulnerable places. And what's the topic? Getting dressed. So if you're like me and can be standing in a store filled with racks of clothes, um, or walking into walking, opening the doors to my closet in the morning and saying, I have no idea what to wear, then you are in for a treat. Because there's a gal that I have been watching and addicted to on Instagram. Her name is Jacqui Getz, and she is a Jacqui you'll tell me, are you an image consultant, a wardrobe coach? When you describe yourself, you'll tell us. But here's something that's on her beautiful website. And let me read you a little bit. She says the her website's called Um Details of Style. So she says, what she does is pro-aging styling that empowers you through closet editing, wardrobe rethinking, and outfit creation. Build confidence and joy in getting dressed. And all I want to say is, yes, please. Welcome, Jacqui. So glad you're here. So glad I'm here too. Thank you for having me on. Oh, well, I have watched you get dressed over and over again. And let me just, this is a spoiler alert for you.

Constance Bauer 2:51

It sounds very weird, I have to say. I've watched you get dressed. Yeah. Are you like to have a spy thing on her window? Tell us about her window.

Lori Dube 2:59

That would scare you. No, no. But I just do want to say, for for anybody who is going to now Google her and go to her, there's one thing about Jacqui, I have to ask you because I um I'm 5'10 and I'm always hovered around a size 12, 14. And when I first saw you, I love your style, but you're also a really tiny gal. So just wondering how you as a beautiful small gal are able to envision and empower women of all sizes.

Jacqui Getz 3:33

I love that question. First of all, I thought I was 5'6, and when I went just went to the doctor, the winner said five four, I said, we're redoing that. Yeah. I am at least five five. So um I'm not, and many of my clients, when someone is 5'10, I celebrate, they're all teeny women. They're all like five, three and under. I didn't even know that could happen. I'm five, too. Yeah, there you go. Um, you know, I don't really care about people's height and size and everything, except when I'm looking for clothing for them. I really care about what they're aiming for. So, you know, my style, well, I work with many clients who have a similar style, many who don't have my style at all. I work to learn, I work to be surprised. I go into every client thinking, you know, what are you going to teach me? How are you going to push back at what I'm saying and doing so I can get to another place and understand you better? And, you know, the biggest thing about body is just like I have to make sure I'm like linking things that they can possibly wear. But the beauty of all of us is just having an opinion, a vision, and uh trusting ourselves. You know, I work mostly with clients to trust themselves, to really look at their clause and say, what led me to buy this? And finding things that resonate within their closet.

Lori Dube 4:59

Jacqui, what have you learned? What have you learned from your clients?

Jacqui Getz 5:02

Uh many things. Um, first of all, I've learned that when I push someone to do something and they're really against trying that, I have to listen harder and understand. So even if I think it looks better, if they don't feel better in it, it doesn't count. So looking and feeling are so important in when you get dressed, and I've decided feeling is what matters. I do not ever go by it doesn't matter. Like I can go out in anything, it doesn't matter. I I and I we can get into that further. I don't believe in that at all. Um, I've learned how come? How come? How come you don't believe it? At the end of the day, it's a little bit like bad manners. You know, to say when I'm older, I could say whatever I want. No, no, no, no, no, no. Getting older doesn't mean you lose your manners or your capability of being a community member or responsible. You may not be as self-conscious, and you may not be as um measured in everything, but I really don't like this image of as women age, it's like, I don't care what I'm wearing, like they don't have to like it. What what I'm saying, they don't have to like. That's not true. We don't lose our grace, our dignity, our ability to be a role model when we get older.

Constance Bauer 6:20

It's not a we may lose our filter, but I see what you're saying is more the morality of it.

Jacqui Getz 6:25

We don't I just don't like that. It you know, it doesn't work for me because I feel like if we want to be respected and respect others, then we need to act and think appropriately about what we're saying and how it's gonna land. Dressing, I don't dress for anyone. I did not dress for my husband. I, you know, and I ask you that that is something to what you said, Lori. I have to learn from my clients who they're dressing for. And I can't sit in judgment of them. If they're dressing for their partner, whoever it is, if they're dressing for their colleagues, for their friends. I can't sit in judgment of that and say, it doesn't matter, you know, dress for yourself. Because everyone has some sort of a tool, a measurement tool about themselves. And I have to find it and honor it and help people say, all right, this is who you're dressing for yourself. And there's always an end, and I've learned there are different ends for everyone.

Constance Bauer 7:20

What did your students think about your style? Did they think you were a hip when you were a principal?

Jacqui Getz 7:25

Um, first of all, I wear so much jewelry. And if I got into a classroom and they were being noisy, I would say, like, did you not hear me coming? Like purely. I'm I'm like they hear the jangly down the hall. My bracelets, I I'm like a warning system. Like, why are you out of your seats and being noisy? This I don't understand.

Lori Dube 7:45

What is the your jewelry and jangly? Give us a jangle, will you?

Jacqui Getz 7:49

Um, first of all, you know, I'm doing all my medical stuff now that I didn't keep up with everything with my husband. And I'm just getting some checkup MRIs. I took off my everything because I sleep in everything. It weighs almost two pounds. Wow.

Constance Bauer 8:06

Had you gone in the MRI with all those bracelets for people who can't see, oh, the bracelets up the arm, you would have been like attached to the wall of the MRI.

Jacqui Getz 8:14

You know, I take it takes forever to take off and then to put back on. Um, I many years ago when I was a principal, they lost our state tests. And if you are in the world of education, we didn't, but the company you send them back to, they lost them. I was just like, my life is clearly done. And one of my teachers said, as I was trying to be calm, she said, you know, your bracelets keep you calm, the weight of it and the jangle of them. And I thought is that true? Is that you've that rings true for you? I I sleep in everything, and my husband got used to it. Their life moves.

Constance Bauer 8:49

This is just a quick aside. Oh, sorry, I just want to tell you, quick aside because you brought it up. The principal of my daughter's elementary school, they lost all the tests at the military school level, and she forged them. She was, of course, found out and fired. Um, but but that's what she did. Instead of dealing with it, she did something like that. Exactly how it went down. Yep. So back to you.

Jacqui Getz 9:08

But no, no, no. They found him and we sent him flowers. Um, but circling back, yes, to to why you wear jewelry, why you wear your style, your sense of style. I think what really so appeals to me, especially as I'm getting older, I mean, I think a lot of people who especially were in the work world, dressed as a uniform. Yes.

Lori Dube 9:30

And the idea that um with a little bit more freedom, many of us have, but also just as we age, how how can we use clothes to play? And you seem to be like an artist of that. And that's what I find so inspiring.

Jacqui Getz 9:46

Well, you know, one of your questions that you sent me was, you know, what made me so interested in clothing or style or anything. I I actually think it's not I've always enjoyed watching how other people dress and what what what were they thinking in the morning? Like I will be on the subway and I'll see someone who I feel like is very happy and confident. And I would never dress that way, but I'm always trying to figure out what made them do that and how is that helping their spirit and their day. And I think that's what clients have to teach me. You know, when I look in their closet and I have to think, and I talk to them why you bought certain things, I have to really tap into what made them happy in that moment, what was their intention? So I'm inspired by people's choice of styling, not necessarily the style, but how they've made the choices. And I love when I see people put together in a way that I wouldn't do, but is clearly working for them internally. I just love that. Do you find people say, I don't know why I bought that? 100% I feel like they do. They have somewhere. And when I work with clients, the first thing I say is on the get a rack or on someplace, take out five things you always wear and five things in your closet you bought that you have no idea why you bought them and what to do with them, and we'll have a little party between the things you know about and things you don't know about. We'll we'll put we'll do a little party first.

Constance Bauer 11:15

I love what you said about looking and feeling. I've been sitting here thinking about that. The difference between, you know, it's very different between how you look and how you feel. I was thinking about even with my teenage, not not now, teenage daughter when they were teenaged, about that. Like I would see them come out in something, and I'd be like, Oh my God, how are you going out in that, right? But then I could look and see that she felt great in it, and having to shut my mouth and say, Okay, she feels great. I wouldn't be cut dead in that outfit, but she feels great.

Jacqui Getz 11:45

That's absolutely it. And I think there's um, you know, to go back to that sense of like, I, you know, I'm I'm 66, I can wear whatever I want now. In truth, it's very empowering. When I was 50, I thought, oh, this is the best invention turning 50. Like I really can, it's not that I care less, it's that I care more. I'm taking some risks. I'm and it's not that I'm, you know, I can sometimes go out in an outfit and think, um, ooh, I wonder what other people are thinking, but it's working for me and it I've always I'm intentional about it.

Constance Bauer 12:24

Do you care less about what other people think though, now that you're 66? Are you still thinking?

Jacqui Getz 12:31

I don't I would I never really cared. You know, here's the truth of it. I think that there are some women who when they reach my age or you know, our age, I don't know how old you guys are. You know, I've often heard 65 people don't look at me the same way. You know, men don't look at me the same way, you know, the whole I'm not getting cat calls, whatever that is.

Lori Dube 12:52

Yeah, yeah.

Jacqui Getz 12:52

That was never me, ever, ever, ever. You know, so I'm not missing any of that. I'm growing into myself. I'm oh you know, I feel better about myself now than I ever have. And I love this.

Constance Bauer 13:06

You wrote about that in the substack, and I read that. I thought we've talked about that on a program before. If you were someone that got the cat calls before, this is a grieving time. And if you're someone that's not, it's a time to really come into yourself, kind of.

Jacqui Getz 13:18

Yeah, and even if you did get the cat calls, like I I listen, I wrote a uh thesis on ageism and fashion. When I retired, I went back to grad school for systems. I wrote about ageism and fashion. I'm not, I I'm I'm one of the girls, but I'm not really because I that that was never a big deal to me. But what is a very big deal to me is me. That's the reality. You know, I dress for me and I like compliments, it's very nice. But my biggest message to women figure out what you're doing and who you are and your intentionality and honor yourself.

Constance Bauer 13:57

I'm stuck on something you just said though. When you retired, you went back and got a degree. Is that what you just said?

Jacqui Getz 14:03

Yeah. I got I got a second master's and I got in, you know, for teaching how to get one in sustainable fashion. And then I my thesis was about ageism. And you know, the other thing, I you know, can any of us stand it when people say, oh, though, you know, those 20, 30 year olds, they don't know how to work hard, they don't know this and that. God bless all my colleagues in their 20s. They literally saved me. Like they put up with me not knowing a thing about technology and taught me, and not in a condescending way. And I leaned on them. Life is, as we all know, a little bit too short to be too judgmental, you know?

Constance Bauer 14:41

And but I bet you taught them a bunch too, too.

Jacqui Getz 14:44

What?

Constance Bauer 14:45

I said I bet you also taught them things, right?

Jacqui Getz 14:48

So we just had fun, you know, we were students together, but yes, so I did go back to school because that was my retirement gift.

Constance Bauer 14:55

Talk about trying something new.

Lori Dube 14:57

Totally, totally. How do you feel about aging?

Jacqui Getz 15:01

I want to stay healthy and I like getting it doesn't bother me. There are lots of things that bother me. Like what bothers me is that I don't know the exact timeline of when I'm moving and when my three daughters are gonna come and decide how what they're packing keeping. Like my compulsive behavior towards them is next level. Aging? No, I don't there are lots of things to worry about. I worry about the environment, I worry about politics, blah, blah, blah. I do, you know, because I don't know, all the cliches is I like being 66. Yeah, very much. I'm grateful.

Constance Bauer 15:41

I like being 66, but I'm not sure I'm gonna like being 86. That's I mean, I hope I get to be 86, but I'm not sure I'm gonna like it.

Jacqui Getz 15:48

Well, you can visit my mother-in-law in the community she listened in Florida, and I went down to visit her after my husband died, and we played Canasta, which by the way, I don't know how to play, with three women named Sheila. Three 989 from New York, right? The 87 was the baby Sheila. I literally I go down there to understand life. Yes, understand like what everyone has been through and how they keep going and their wisdom and everything.

Constance Bauer 16:18

And maybe we should have the three Sheilas on.

Jacqui Getz 16:21

I love the Sheila's.

Lori Dube 16:21

Oh my god, they were so funny. I love them. I love them. Yeah. Jacqui, you just mentioned that your husband passed away and we're sorry for your loss. And it seems like you've been writing about that. You have a beautiful substack.

Speaker 4 16:33

Thank you.

Lori Dube 16:33

Um and um you have been writing about I find it fascinating, the intersection of grieving and dressing. And there's a couple things I'd like to read that I just were so moving to me. Um about um what you're going through right now and what you're trying to do and how you're changing. And you said that um I find strength in styling. I do not have the emotional strength to create a new life, but I do not want to live in a shadow of my old life. And then you talked about um those of us who are grieving are complicated. We look the same on the outside while we rearrange emotionally within. And you said that the boundaries I may be pushing with my clothing reflects the small pushes and stretches to my life. While I did not sign up for being a widow here, here I am. The closet is a great place to practice. I find that last line the closet is a great place to practice. Like mind-blowing. Oh, thank you. So I just want there's so much in there on people.

Constance Bauer 17:46

Explain that, yeah, there were a couple of different things in there, but explain that since you've started that. Start with that. What does that mean?

Jacqui Getz 17:52

I think about what I'm wearing constantly and not in like more like putting a puzzle together way. I it's just what I do to get distracted. And I, you know, it's like when I'm out and I see people and I think, what led to that? I'm like that with my clothing. And, you know, I've never so that's my love of styling that I've always had. Like I will just like sit in the most boring meeting and think of a everyone's outfit, figure out what's going on, and then I will think of my own. Like I ever creative outlet a week planned out. Um, and I don't take huge risks, but I I like what I do. And um stand up.

Constance Bauer 18:30

So can we see what you're wearing?

Jacqui Getz 18:32

Yes, you do take big risks. Stand up, yeah. I want to see like a gap t-shirt and just a pair of okay, all right. So today I was getting dressed uh to meet my daughter at the Whitney Museum. And um, first I had a doctor appointment, so I wore like a silk skirt and you know, just a washable thing and a tank top, and these shoes I can never walk in. And I thought it's just to the doctor, but why not? I can't wear these shoes normally out and about, but I'm taking an Uber. And I love when I go to the doctor to be nicely dressed, even though you just like five minutes ago, Lori and I were just saying this.

Constance Bauer 19:04

I always dress up for the doctors. My mom taught me that. Always look nice when you go to the doctor. That's so funny.

Jacqui Getz 19:09

And I love sitting in the dressing room, even when you're so nervous and scared, but you're dressed.

Constance Bauer 19:14

Because it gives you more confidence, you feel a little better.

Lori Dube 19:17

Yeah, can I say one thing, girls? My mom always said be a nice person. She didn't mention one fucking thing about dressing the way I dressed. She meant to be a nice person. She didn't miss I miss something. I feel like I missed it.

Constance Bauer 19:30

Not even how about airplanes? My mom was airplanes and doctors. That's when you look your best.

Jacqui Getz 19:35

Yes, always skirts on airplanes, yes, and hiking, but whatever. Um, so and then I came home to change because now I'm going downtown to the Whitney. You know, I want to be hipper.

Constance Bauer 19:44

Hipper.

Jacqui Getz 19:44

So I put on these really baggy mattress pants with um sneakers, and then I thought, wait, I have other choices. But what I'm learning now, um I I I've stopped saving things. When I buy it, I wear it if it's seasonal and appropriate. And I'm trying to um underthink as opposed to overthink. And when I say underthink, it's like I trust myself. That impulse, go with it. Don't keep racking it up and saying, Oh, but should I and will I like choices in the closet? You'll get to them. Yeah you you the madras pants sat in my head. I hung them up yesterday. Like, go for it. So it's a matter of trusting. And um maybe I wouldn't have worn them, you know. I they're a little short. I I had all these questions, and I thought, I love them though, and they're ironic, you know, and I like I may not look right in Madras downtown, but why not? You know, so it's stuff like that. And I'm finding when I said this to my daughter today, like I'm identified as a widow now. How strange is that? So now I'm not trying to redefine myself, I'm trying to define myself as widow. Like there's some people who just were so who have been uplifting during this time, and not because of what I've gone through, but in spite of what I've gone through, which is almost like my closet, in spite of what I'm going through. My clothes are still my clothes. I'm just rethinking or thinking forward in new ways with them. And and not how do you get the head space?

Constance Bauer 21:25

I can say, I mean, I've never been someone that thought too much about my clothes. I was saying to Lori, I just put them on and I tend to have kind of like not a uniform, but I wear the same couple of things all the time. But since my dad passed, I feel like I I can't, I don't even have the energy to think about that at all. So I literally have been wearing until the today when I went to the doctor, I've been wearing the same clothes. Not the same ones because I have several I w I do wash them. But I've been wearing the same thing pretty much every damn day since my dad died.

Jacqui Getz 21:53

I I I really love the creativity. Like to me, uh one necklace will do it for me. I literally Wait, and I've written about this for that zing. I just wait for it, you know? And I can change and nobody knows or cares. Like I'll go out and I'll think, but I put on the necklace I care about.

Constance Bauer 22:10

So that feeds you in some way.

Jacqui Getz 22:12

It's literally the most narcissistic way to get dressed. I wait for my zing and I go forward. That's it. I just wait for it, you know?

Lori Dube 22:22

Wow. Do you talk? So I'm I'm I'm so intrigued, but I'm so lost. It's because I don't know about Zing. So um I'm wondering, do you help your clients understand their Zing?

Jacqui Getz 22:34

Yes. And it doesn't happen all at once. You know, we can spend hours together. And then when I reflect on their pictures, they send me their pictures and I upload it and I'll make comments on it. An outfit I thought I didn't like, I then like and I have a reason for it and I explain it, or vice versa. And then as we begin, I link things for them, I push them a little bit, then they'll write back and say, no, that doesn't work. And that's where that conversation is really helpful. Um, I feel like people can find one outfit that expresses their zing. And then that's the thing that leads me to understand them more. And it's different for everybody.

Constance Bauer 23:17

Do you think it's bad to keep wearing that? Because I do have like one or two outfits that I know, I just know I feel top of my game when I wear them, and I wear them over and over again when I have events. Is that do you think that's okay?

Jacqui Getz 23:28

But you know what? It it is worth it to add and subtract to them, like add some different accessories or take them away. You know, experiment from that base. But who cares? Of course. And I care less about events and way more about the I don't know how to stop that sound. Okay, it's just a mic. Um, but I it's different for everybody. I just want, I I hope that when women hire me. Listen, they're not I'm not coming into the club and saying, I'm here. They've reached out to me. Something in them is saying it's time. It's my turn, whatever it is, you know. So it's not like I'm going in and saying it's the clothing police, you know, you're all to fix you. They're saying to me, I have some ideas. I think I have ideas. Something is not working for me. I want to feel better about something. I want to feel better more often. I have some outfits I love. Like they have already analyzed their reason for calling for emailing me.

Constance Bauer 24:35

This would make a great TV show, don't you think? One of those reality shows where people ask you to come in and then they follow you and see.

Lori Dube 24:41

For older women, you know, I watched what not to wear and all that, all those shows. I mean the makeover shows. But people are age, and I just think there's, you know, I mean, you're you're at this very um uh unusual intersection of dressing and grief.

Constance Bauer 24:57

But honestly, there's the dr the intersection of dressing and aging I think is also sort of a a a lot our bodies are changing, we've got to change wardrobe because you can't fit into the same things you fit into before because your body's changing shape.

Jacqui Getz 25:13

And that's great. You know, like the first thing we do is like, what really doesn't fit? Can we please say goodbye to it? You know, and now that I'm doing this to my apartment, oof, you know, I said to one of the I called different companies that do this, and I said, Do not send me women who come and hold something up and say, But do you really want to get rid of this candlestick? No, don't do that. I'm not like that in closets. I'm like, yep, it's going.

Constance Bauer 25:41

So you're gonna Marie Kondo it

Lori Dube 25:42

Is there anything is there anything women are wearing still wearing at 65 that you're saying, like, you know what, maybe don't wear? Only if it's ill fitting.

Jacqui Getz 25:53

I really don't go by rules.

Constance Bauer 25:55

Some women can carry it off and some can't.

Jacqui Getz 25:57

Right. What do I know? And then when I'm you know, the first time I watched the Golden Bachelorette, whatever it's called, and all these like lanky, beautiful, long, blonde-haired women got out of the cars in these sexy dresses. I was like, ew. And then I thought, I'm jealous of them.

Constance Bauer 26:13

Well, these are old people on this show?

Jacqui Getz 26:15

Yeah, on the back of the golden bachelorette, whatever. Oh my god. And I thought, I am so jealous. That was never my look. I never had long, cool hair, and you know, these beautiful breasts. I would there was never me. They're so sexy and cool.

Constance Bauer 26:33

And I thought, I'm gonna have to try this show myself.

Lori Dube 26:36

Did you grow into being confident and comfortable with your body, or when that was never you? Or is there ever angst about it never being you? One projection I'm projecting right now.

Jacqui Getz 26:48

No, I have 100% grown into feeling more confident about my body. Definitely. And um I don't know why or how. I think as I've gotten more fit as I've gotten older, that has helped. And um you are very fit. Yeah, part of it. But um also the guy who cooked is not here, so that's a problem. But um I think that we all should get more confident as we grow older.

Constance Bauer 27:25

You know, because if not now, when exactly.

Jacqui Getz 27:30

And also I I find retirement, the whole world, the whole worry about it fascinating. I wish people wrote about it in more and newer ways because um, you know, it is it's not a second chance, it's take your skills and transition them into something. That's all.

Constance Bauer 27:54

We had a great episode on there. You should go back and listen to with Elaine Belansky. Yes, yes, yes. About retirement, very good. Can I ask a question about the intersection with this dressing and grief? Because I'll tell you, for my dad's funeral, I was stymied. I mean, I was telling you earlier, I don't think about what I wear much. I just put on whatever's there, however, I'm feeling whimsically that day. But I struggled for two days before deciding what I was gonna wear to that funeral. It was so bizarre for me.

Jacqui Getz 28:22

What did you end up wearing?

Constance Bauer 28:24

I ended up wearing a nice pair of jeans, but a really nice black top. So that's what I ended up. I said, I said sort of what you were saying. I thought I kept thinking all these people are gonna be looking at me and I didn't want to wear something inappropriate. I'm like, what's appropriate? Then I thought, no, I need to feel my best that day because I'm gonna be up there speaking and I wore what felt good to me. That's what I ended up with.

Jacqui Getz 28:46

Good for you.

Constance Bauer 28:47

Yeah, yeah. What did you wear?

Jacqui Getz 28:50

Um, I bought a really beautiful like sky blue dress that I had been uh a designer online, I'd never heard of, and someone said, Oh my gosh, you're never gonna get to wear that dress again. I thought, oh yeah, oh yeah, that dress at the dry cleaner. I am one, yes.

Constance Bauer 29:07

Was it a dress your husband loves, or just because you loved it?

Jacqui Getz 29:11

I got it, knew, and literally, I my husband. If I said close your eyes, David, what are you wearing? No idea. No, I lay out all the clothes for the week for the week as when as he was principal. No, seriously, the easiest man's body to dress could have cared less.

Lori Dube 29:31

Jacqui, do you are do you feel connected to David still? Are you in touch with him on the other side at all?

Jacqui Getz 29:37

Yes. I mean, I haven't dreamt about him. Well, I haven't dreamt about him, and I was in a widow group. I've been I I've literally tested them out and researched them. I mean, some widows don't do that, and I'm like, I'm a researcher. And also I find it very interesting to watch the facilitators, some of whom I want to reach to the screen and say, This is not that person on the upper right zoom corner. This is going off the topic. Jesus. But anyway, um, and one woman did act out the first dream she had of her husband. I was like, I'm not coming back. This is not helping me.

Speaker 2 30:14

But um becoming really yeah, somewhat.

Jacqui Getz 30:20

But um I went to Florida to visit his mom, and going to and from, they kept saying the plane is full, the plane is full, check your bags, going to and from the seat next to me was empty. And when I got there, I was very, you know, it's an easy thing to do, but all of a sudden I realized, oh my god, I have private time with him. He's in, you know, he's in me with me. And what a nice thing to be able to go on a trip in a private time, you know. And I really think, you know, for anyone who's suffered any loss for any, you know, it can be a pet, it can be anything. You have to kind of find that place of how do you privatize that person or that animal or something so that you don't have to share everything all the time. You just have that private. So yes. Um, and I totally know, I totally believe in all that stuff. Me too. David David said he didn't.

Constance Bauer 31:19

Lori's your really biggest fan.

Jacqui Getz 31:21

I said, You have to believe in heaven. I'm gonna be there. What are you talking about? Don't miss me. Don't don't um, yes, because why wouldn't, you know, to me it's like so comforting and everything.

Lori Dube 31:33

Yeah, Jacqui, we have literally scratched the surface. I have 4,000 other questions, but we've been talking plenty of time, and um, our WADY listeners, I'm sure, have been listening all along and just wanting wanting to know more. So I'm just gonna say maybe we'll talk more again.

Jacqui Getz 31:49

I I would I would love to where are you two? Where are you located?

Lori Dube 31:53

I'm in Boulder, Colorado.

Constance Bauer 31:54

I'm I'm in Oak Park, Illinois.

Jacqui Getz 31:56

Yeah. Oh my god, two places I've never been.

Lori Dube 31:59

You have to come to New York, clearly. Yes, yes. I live there for a short time on the upper west side, too. So we yeah, we have stuff to talk about. But I I we'll just zoom for fun. Okay. Um, thank you both. Thank you so much. We're gonna put in our show notes, we'll put the links to your Substack and to your website. It's and just all the ways that people can reach out to you and hear more and see more of what you're doing and what you're wearing. And in the meantime, just keep taking care. Oh, I will. 100%. Thank you so much.

Constance Bauer 32:30

Good luck with the move. Hi, WADY listeners. We're back with our little afterthoughts where Lori and I will take a walk around the block with the birds singing in the background now that I know. And we're just gonna unpack a little bit about what we heard. So you start since you're the big fangirl here. What did you think? Was she everything you hoped?

Lori Dube 37:45

She's was she was a a great, like, funny person, you know. I'm I'm not sure I like ended up saying, like, oh, now I know how to dress. But honestly, what was I actually imagining in in 35 minutes? Like, I was she was gonna answer all my questions.

Constance Bauer 37:58

Maybe we could have had like a personal thing like that where we said, let's take Lori as the guinea pig here and had her Well, maybe that maybe that'll be the next show. We could do that.

Lori Dube 38:07

Because just there's so much going on um in her life. I just I do find the idea of how she's trying to use and dressing to heal some of her her grieving around her loss of her husband. And the truth is the idea for any of us who are going through not necessarily maybe loss of somebody or parent like you or her your husband or but just the hard days. Yeah, you know, like hard times.

Constance Bauer 38:33

Anything that did come away for me a little bit about because you know I don't I don't think that much about dressing, and I wasn't thinking when you told me about this idea for the episode, it didn't really s get grab me too much. But that I mean now first of all, she grabbed me, she was amazing. A dial but also that idea of you can use clothes each day to maybe lift your mood, boost your mood. That's an idea I had never thought of really. And I like the idea of boosting it.

Lori Dube 38:56

I wanted to talk to her about her grief more, as you know, I wanted to keep talking about that because Well, that's on your mind, and um yeah, I mean she's definitely using humor and she's kind of plowing through, and yeah, you know, not everybody does it that way. And um, so everybody has their own way of grieving for sure. You know, there's a new book out, and I don't know the name. I know this there's this woman is a stylist for celebrities like Ann Hathaway, and um it just came out and it was like she she was on the Mel Robbins podcast, which maybe we could leak to in our show notes if you don't mind. Um and all roads lead back to Mel Robbins. Mel Robbins, right? Kevin Bacon or Mel Robbins. But her whole premise is when you go into your closet, you're supposed to ask this question, these six words that are gonna change you like, what do I wanna feel like today?

Constance Bauer 39:48

Oh, I remember you till you mentioned this. I was mentioning this before.

Lori Dube 39:51

And the idea of sort of like that's an interesting concept, you know, just to even the the idea that there's I don't know, we're ch I'm just on so automatic pilot.

Speaker 4 40:00

Yeah.

Lori Dube 40:01

Like even that there would be a pause, even if I don't like answer the question just to pause, but to even think.

Constance Bauer 40:06

I'm gonna say the same thing I said to you when you said it to me weeks ago, I think whenever you brought that up, which is I feel like we probably all do that just not so consciously. I think I do. When I go in, I'm thinking, do I want to be schleppy today because I'm feeling that way, or do I want to feel pizzazz because that's what you know, that's such an old word, but uh you know, whatever it is. I think I do that subconsciously.

Lori Dube 40:25

I don't say it out loud when I'm standing there, but I think what do you put on when you want to wear feel pizzazz on a Thursday?

Constance Bauer 40:31

No, like I'll put on something a little slinkier or I put on something that's got more color. I usually wear black, gray, white, like those are my colors. But if I'm feeling bazaars, I'll wear something with a little color in it, and that kind of brightens me uh brightens me up in my mood too, you know. So but I don't go out and say that, like, oh, I think I'm feeling bazaared today. This is what I want to wear. I think I just grab for that, you know. So I'm what you think it too, you just don't realize you're thinking it. I don't know. Maybe you're not, maybe that's a good thing to think. Isn't that the Mercondo thing too?

Lori Dube 41:00

Oh no, she says No, she's get rid of the stuff that that in your house.

Constance Bauer 41:05

That doesn't bring you joy. Right, right, right. So it's not what am I thinking. You know what? I kept thinking about while she was talking about all this dressing, and all of a sudden thinking about I don't know why I just kept popping into my head. Remember when you used to go, or maybe you didn't, but when I'd go clothes shopping with my mom, how agonizing it was like to be in the dressing room and with your mom, who I don't know about you, but my mom was fairly critical. Sorry, mom, if you're listening, but you were. Um, and even though you're a wonderful person, you were fairly critical about that kind of stuff. And I think I am with my daughter too, and I know they would say that's true. Um, but I remember that feeling of, ugh, I don't want to try on clothes and then come out there because they're gonna have something negative to say about whatever the hell I was wearing, no matter what I thought I looked like.

Lori Dube 41:50

Do you have memories? I don't have that experience. My experience is more I had probably a size 11 or 12 foot when I was maybe seventh or eighth grade. So let's just say there were never shoes. Like shoes were not an option. And I somehow like are there now shoes for women that big? Some, but it's not it's not nearly beautiful, yeah. No, no. And the idea that there was that limitation, which I somehow just like took on um even more, the idea like there's just nothing for me. Yeah, you know?

Constance Bauer 42:26

Yeah, and that somehow gave up.

Lori Dube 42:28

Yeah, I think gave up or or felt bad felt bad. Honestly, one of my most exciting dressing experiences of my whole life, because I also, you know, there were times in my life I was a size 16 or I had a size 14, or and the size thing was always, you know, because oftentimes if you went into stores, some of the the cuter stuff didn't go up that far.

Constance Bauer 42:48

Right.

Lori Dube 42:49

For when I was in Europe on a trip one time, and I remember walking into a store, and the clothes were all had different sizes, they were all numbers like 38 and 41. And I remember they just it it went up to 57, and it was like it didn't, I didn't even know what size I was wearing. And there was always a bigger size. And I remember shopping, it was called um Dee Dee was the name of the store. I remember what slogan was I think it was Didi adds flavor.

Constance Bauer 43:22

That shows how impactful this was. Well, you know how they change size. Like I was explaining this to my daughter the other day, how fancy women's clothes changes the sizes so that people feel smaller. So what is really a 10 is is coded as like a six or an eight or whatever it is, so that these women feel like they're smaller and they buy the clothes. And I thought, oh my god, we're so wrapped up in this number on the tag, right? Which what does it matter? Oh yeah. Kind of crazy. We should have talked to her more about that. I wanted to hear how she would help someone accommodate that, like the changing. I mean, we're not all necessarily getting bigger, but we're s everybody's body changes when they get in their sixties, whether it's bigger or not, you know, your boobs droop, your hips spread a little, your feet spread, like everything. You're shorter. So yeah. It changed the way you dress a little bit, you know.

Lori Dube 44:18

Well, she right off, you know, right out of the gate, she sort of said, like, my doctor said I'm five, I'm five four.

Constance Bauer 44:25

Oh my god, I was correct. And I said, No. I looked that literally happened to me two weeks ago. I was at my doctor, and she said five two this time when it was five, two and a half at least last year. And I looked at her, I said, You're not putting that on the thing. You're gonna put five two on there. I mean five, three on there. And she's like, I can't. You're you're five, two. I'm like, I don't care. Don't put that on there.

Lori Dube 44:46

That is so funny. I mean, I'm I was five ten and the last time I was five, eight and a half.

Constance Bauer 44:51

And see, but you've got some height to lose. You could have given me some of that. You should have sent it over to me.

Lori Dube 44:57

But what kind of person are you and her that will say to the doctor, No. I mean, it's like speaking back to the universe. No.

Constance Bauer 45:05

Well, I did it the same way a couple weeks ago. I was at my eye doctor and he said, I've got some bad news. This is what he goes, you've got the beginning of cataract. I said, No, I don't. He said, This is the God's truth. He's like, You do, Constant. Like, I don't have cataracts. And he thought I was whacked. I was like, I don't want to have catarags. Don't say that to me.

Lori Dube 45:25

Here's another way we're different. I go to the eye doctor and I say, I know I have macular judiciation. My mom has, I know I have it.

Constance Bauer 45:33

Yes, see, I'm I've got the finger up, just like in our thing. Like, I'm like, oh, fuck you. I don't have any cataracts, and I'm not gonna talk about it with you.

Lori Dube 45:42

And I'm curious slash worried.

Constance Bauer 45:44

Yeah, yeah, well, but we somehow we're getting through it. Whatever.

Lori Dube 45:48

We sure are, you know, and this podcast helps. WADY listeners, thanks for walking around the block with us and and going up and down and all around where we're going.

Constance Bauer 45:56

And I'm gonna announce this on here because I talked about it with another friend, and I haven't talked to you about it yet, but I'm gonna say it right here, so we have to do it. I think we should have an episode again, that's just me and you, but this time talking about all the things that this podcast has done for you and me as a friend, as friends, right? And like the bad, the good, the ugly, all of it, just to have a podcast talking about that, because it has shaped us in so many different ways. And when I was describing that to my girlfriend, she was like, You've got to do a podcast on the podcast.

Lori Dube 46:24

So that is what and then you know, it doesn't have to be a podcast. Maybe you're playing pickleball all the time with one of your friends, or you're doing the canasta thing, or you're whatever it is that you're doing in partnership at this stage, it's it's different, and things come things come up and change you and evolve it.

Constance Bauer 46:41

It definitely wouldn't be canasta for me because I don't know what the hell that is when she said it. I'm like, what's canasta? Is that like mahjong? Is that what it is?

Lori Dube 46:49

Yeah, it's like that. It's like bridge, I think.

Constance Bauer 46:51

It's an old person's game, yeah.

Lori Dube 46:53

No, I don't know. Not anymore, or just like pickleball.

Constance Bauer 46:55

It's oh no, you're right.

Lori Dube 46:56

Everyone's doing it.

Constance Bauer 46:57

Everybody's now doing it. So, okay, maybe it's time we'll learn how to play canasta.

Lori Dube 47:02

All right, that could be an episode. Wiley. I love you, Constance, and I love you for listening, WADY Listeners. Thanks so much. Bye.

Constance Bauer 47:11

You've been listening to We Ain't Dead Yet. Thanks for spending your time with us. If you're enjoying the show, please follow us and share with your friends.

Lori Dube 47:19

And remember, you're not alone in this next chapter. We're all right here with you.

Constance Bauer 47:23

And we ain't dead yet.